What happens when there is never enough. The gap between what you need to live and what you actually have is threatening to swallow you.
What happens if you ran out of gas miles ago, and your running on fumes till you stall on the tracks.
What happens if the patience, the strength, the health, and the psychological endurance you need run out.
Do I internalize. Shall I return to ideations, giving up on my life.
Do I externalize. Do I lash out at the things around me?
It seems to be one or the other. Right now I'm on the latter, but I tend to alternate between the two.
The things I need are so vast, so far, and so out of our reach. What do you do if you are out of fuel? What if your hopes are just mirages? What if you look again and you were fooling yourself. What if things never get better? What if I haven't it in me to keep on trying? What if I'm drowning in it all. What if we're getting farther from our target and not closer. Do you realize how many people are suffering out there without resource, explanation, or resolution? Do you realize how likely it is that we will suffer the same fate. Do you understand how very tapped out I am?
What if the dam breaks. What if I can no longer function or fight, but only drown in the chaos around me. What if I crack. What if I can no longer compensate? What if I envision setting my house on fire, ramming people on the interstate or with my shopping cart in the store? What if I cannot handle this anymore? How the hell is this going to end?
What if I just gave it a good try, and that is all I have.
Monday: Xanax. It's not a solution, but it's comforting. What I really need is a big fucking miracle. A BIG FUCKING MIRACLE. Do you hear me god? You're losing me fast. A Big Fucking Miracle. Or I'm toast. Seriously. Long term goal- peace and relief. Short term goal- comfortably numb.
..........
Don't worry, I've already stabilized. Till the next time! Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da, life goes on. We just gotta keep life going on!
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3 comments:
Numbness really isn't fun, I've been there so long. I don't know what to tell you, I'm struggling too.
I'm waiting for a miracle also. I realistically don't expect one to happen.
Ain't that the truth. We just keep going on.
Excellently written post my cuz. Hurts me to imagine.... for even a bit, the weight you expressed here. Damn.... you're either right next to a great solution, I tell you you could be, a big change so close, or you're not... I want to make it there for you, right around the corner, all for you and you're almost there..... hang in there cuz.
I love you.
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