don’t let your hearts be troubled, and don’t be afraid

Twice I cried this Tuesday. Or was it Thursday. Days run together and drip off the edges of my mind.

Calling in late to work, after have been coming in late or not at all lately due to the various crushing things in my life, I find that my boss's voice is clearly one only of concern for me and my well-being. Sincere concern, and she thanks me for calling her.

I cried all the way to work for her kindness, for the kindness of those people in the world that help support my pain after so many years of feeling the desperate opposite.

Then coming in to work, I pass my favorite security guard. Of all the men at work to stand at the door and check our badges, James has the most love in his heart. He is also the one who pays enough attention to notice last week when I was in late and haggard.

Where have you been? he asks.
Life is hard, I tell him. I head upstairs to my desk.

At the end of the day, I come down to leave and of course he is still there. Still cheerful with love beaming out even at the end of his long shift. I have something for you he says.

He gives me two pieces of paper he has written on. One says "My Proof". He has me write the year of my earliest crisis and the year of my latest crisis. This is your proof he says. That you have made it through from this to that time, is your proof that God has been with you to keep you alive. I didn't find this compelling. I think this would be nice, but these years have been excruciating, and by many signs I've endured by my own growing and incredible strength.

But also, by the grace of you- my blog-friends, my rl friends, all the people of the world who's pain and heart I can connect into, and that support me like a great gleaming net of collective strength. It is me plugging into the collective strength that makes me strong.

Now I wasn't trying to disprove him mind you. At the outset I told him I wasn't Christian, just pre-Jewish, and he said that was great and fine. But I'm open-minded these days you understand and truly I am grateful for the kindness of strangers these days. And this man before me I knew was strong and was wise, because only they can work their long days and difficult lives and still have love shining in their face as he does. I do know that. On the second piece of paper he gave me three verses and told me to look them up. I will, I told him. Seriously, I will.

And he told me about his life. At a young age his mother had died. His life had been difficult. He had been to Woodstock and certainly partied in all ways out there. But, he says, it was only God that allowed him to be strong. God forgives his mistakes, and he continues to live for and by God. And that gives him God's strength. It was probably by this time I started crying. He goes on- Because our problems are too big for us to handle them alone. *more tears*. So we tell God and we let him help us. I pray all day long, just talking to God like he were here. And God gives me the strength, and I use that to pass on strength to others.

It was here that the tears got harder. Because this is what I try to do too, though I don't call it "God" in most company, but something far more cerebral like the Gestalt, the collective, or that shining intersection where we all are one and the same. I try to plug in to receive it's strength, then pass it on to those around me, thus creating even greater strength and goodness. That's my chosen meaning.

And he told me it was like Esther. Yes, I do know her story I told him. How she set her people free. It's like that he tells me. You are here to do great things. Cue another spasm of crying here. Because the harder life gets, and the stronger it makes me, I can only feel that I am being prepared for my work to come. The work I am here to do.

Thank you I told him. I mean it.

And I cried my way out the door and onto the beltway.

This is the thing. I do think there's a whole lot of names for God. A whole lot of paths to enlightenment. Individually differing as uniquely as we each are unique in so many fascinating ways. And wisdom is wisdom. And love is love. And I'm far more concerned about what we have in common, as people and as religions, than what we differ over.

So call me meta-religious I guess. Though a future MOT. Namaste.

Of course, here are the verses he gave me.

John 14:14
If you ask me for anything in my name, I will do it.
John 14:27
I am leaving you at peace. I am giving you my own peace. I am not giving it to you as the world gives. So don’t let your hearts be troubled, and don’t be afraid.
Hebrews 13:5
[Let your] conversation [be] without covetousness; [and be] content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

It's all love right? I can see the wisdom in these words. Maybe even meditate on them. James gave me these words with love to give me strength. Personally, I don't think anyone has to be any particular religion. Just don't be a hater. That's what I think. It's all about the love man. Live with love in your heart and pass it on.