Maybe

Spring is very nearly here.

These are things that today contained:

1. Cake (and very good with custard in the middle) from a retirement party
2. Spreadsheets (excel documents with rainbow colors)
   
3. Sunshine
4. A few tears
5. One blog post

...While I write so little, there is so much I want to. So much more than this. There are also books I want to write, businesses I want to run, children I want to chuck lovingly into the world. Man, and the research. The research still unpublished, unfinished, models unfolding in my mind that I will never get to run, and never put out there. Man that kills me.

But tonight, I will write just 1 (exactly one) blog post, before stepping back into the world of tasks aplenty. And maybe this blog post will remind me how close I am. That I actually am that close to all those things. Cause, like really, I am mighty close aren't I?

And just like magic my blog will have put a little smile on me.

Just a little one.

Maybe.

:)

glamour-free

It's a cool Sunday morning, what with Autumn already begun. It is also slightly rainy, which I don't notice until I'm already outside with my dog. I cover my head with my hand, in the hopes of not getting another cold.

Where have I been babies? Just surviving. Exhausting day after day surviving. It's not glamorous, nor am I.

I wonder sometimes if perhaps we are to play a role in some future important things. In some future Nostradamus-vaguely-predicted showdown where we will make some epic contribution that we never could have done if not for being in training thru years of bastard hardship. Far more likely, it is just that I get to play witness to life the unfair, and hopefully, to channel it into my work on these things.

I am an analyst. A social scientist. Nothing big, but occasionally I wear a suit, and when I write things, it has a shred of credibility. And rarely do we get the ranks of the desperate in any position of anything.

And this is sort of what I study, by choice of course. Which is stressful. It would be far kinder to myself if I choose to research unicorns, and their role in human culture, or the what the queers are doing to the soil (chill dude- it's a dead milkmen song- lay off). But what would be the point. What's my motivation? Lest we forget, I have never been a hard worker for it's own sake. I am an 80's kid, and while we may stay busy, it is a crazy ADD affair of flickering screens and unfocused multi-tasking that leads nowhere.

Tho I don't get to work on this enough, as I am always engaged in the real deal. It's always a fight for time.

So here we have it. Proud and grateful to still be in the game. But no glamor here. Not a glimmer.

Here's hoping next week doesn't suck as much as last week, but bracing for it regardless.

Namaste babies.

hmmm

I haven't had time to blog.
Also, I need to decide the best way to proceed given that I have now like TWO institutions and/or professional identities to protect, and which I've already been flirting with offending. Eh.
I'll figure it out, like everything else in my life, eventually.

Good news though in the progress toward finishing in school, my research, and also our personal struggle for medical our own answers.

All in good time babies.

Gangsta Boogie

Don't dare call it a comeback. (New post here.)

Happy Spring

I never get a chance to blog.

Do you know when you have to piss soooooo bad and you've had to wait so long that when you finally get to sit down to let it go it can't. Like if you let it go your bladder might be lashed by the force of it and so your body clenches tight.

That's my blogging status currently. I cannot blog. And were I to unleash now all that is within me you would all be blown to bits and so would I.

I cannot unleash such a force.

GawdDAMN blogging is fun.

How I miss you.

Work sucked this week kind of but not and life is so much better than it was but still rather a stressride, but tis as well, I've realized because it seems at this juncture that I'm far better adapted to the ship-wreck than the fun-cruise as that is what I know, and tis as well.

Tis as well, I realize. But life, it is getting better, and I praise the lovely setting Sun to my left for that.

I came home early today. Everyone spent the day in the office antsy like kids on the last day of school before the summer. After flirting with Spring at last it was outside our window and we could. not. be contained.

Could not be contained.

By three I couldn't do it, I was done. By five I left and pushed along the beltway against traffic, all of us eager to start the spring weekend, horses chomping at the bit of our traffic angst. But it yielded, it did, and here I am.

I even had a drink. Eight cool ounces of Smirnoff Ice and gosh aren't my fingers running without a second thought. Perhaps I will flirt with the drinks some summer afternoons, as I am thirty and it is legal after all, unlike the things I enjoy more. Although Obama might change that soon 'nuff. And I say, OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN.

But I digress.

I think this post must be long as my fingers have been typing as fast as they could stumble, and the sun, that glorious Full Spring Sun is finally setting behind the trees and another apartment building.

But I am lovely. I've received compliments at work from co-workers. Really good happy ones. Hugs and smiles. And I've received strange hand-written notes from strung-too-tight bosses who despite my efforts insist on being SO TENSE. Fuck it.

Fuck it. I am unconcerned.

I love you dear blogtopia. I have begun carrying my little music-thing to record errant bloggy thoughts as they may occur on the beltway as per PF's suggestion. I am trying. And I miss you.

And if I could live constant moments within my life in front of the post-window charging my fingers like I was playing whack-a-mole on the keys and fuzzy from malt liqour and sunshine and joy, well then I would. I SO would.

But at least I am here now sweethearts. At least I am here NOW.

Smooches and smiles sweet blogosphere friends. Happy Spring Happy Spring Happy Spring. :D

Estah

It is Easter Sunday, but a quiet day here as usual.
Yesterday somebody's health was rougher than expected and I struggled to stay above the waves. Later he suggested I sit on the patio, and he was so right. I needed the air, the light, the openness.
I bought egg dye yesterday on a whim for the memories of sitting at my Grandmother's table, with the smell of vinegar and cups of color. But I most likely won't get around to using it. Before making a mess, I should be cleaning messes, and I'm reconciling myself to the fact that I will not, can not, do too much today.

Despite feeling always buried by a mountain of desperate to-do's that I can only hold up but not chip away, I do-slowly.

These are the exciting new things I've accomplished.

1) I know have a car that is legally registered in my state of residence. Particularly fabulous since the registration in our prior state ended months ago. I can now drive with confidence, knowing there is nothing I'm doing that the 4-0 will care about. I never thought I'd be happier to see my new license plates.

I keep the bar set nice and low huh?

and 2) I finally have ordered, received, and cleaned the new bamboo fence that will make our patio a nice, private, space, as we are NOT public people. It leans against the railing now, and once it is water-sealed it will be lashed on securely. This little fence is the key to facilitating a lot of sunshine in my life, and it also tickles me truly to see.

As for all the other shit to do, it's gonna have to wait. Well I still need to do laundry and cleaning and cooking and, you know, the usual shit. But lookie here- I sat and blogged! Woot. So maybe that's number 3).

Happy Easter Darlings. Happy Easter.

Baby Blog getting Big Girl Pants

Where has the time gone?

My facebook friends, who also happen to be mothers, often comment how quickly their children have grown- how could they be so old already!

Well, I am not yet a mother, but my baby-blog turned 2 on Friday.

Could it be? So soon?

But while two years seems long (my blog will be wearing some big girl pants soon!), so very much has happened in the past two years, that it also seems strangely encapsulated that so much pain and change and upheaval could fit so tidily into two years.

And I'm happy that I didn't pull the plug on this. :)

Happy Birthday dearest blog. I totally heart you.